Stick To The Day Job

An increasingly popular trend among celebrities these days is having the mindset that they’re a master of all trades. I don’t know whether it’s arrogance, ignorance or greed that’s got these musicians trying their hands at acting (or vice versa) but it has to stop.

Let me put it this way, if you were having an appendectomy and the surgeon admits that his main profession is hairdressing but he’s recently branched out into the medical world, you would be royally pissed off... and probably dead. The moral of the story is Justin Timberlake’s ego can kill and I’m pretty sure it already has, and will again. This madman must be stopped!

Here’s a list of some of the worst offenders, the folk think that changing art forms is as easy as getting Nicolas Cage to be in your movie.

    1-      Steven Seagal – Here’s a lad who has his fingers in all the pies, but enough of the fat jokes. It’s a little known fact that actor, producer, reality TV star and aikido master Steven Seagal also fancies himself as a bit of a musician.

Admittedly, the prospect of hearing Mason Storm shred on guitar initially sparked my interest but the actual experience is as disappointing as one the actor’s latest straight to DVD efforts. Come on Seagal, what we really want is you to shed some pounds, go back to being Casey Ryback and release an Under Siege 3 which given the evolution of the series, will either be set on a space mission or a time machine.

Fuck it, one more fat joke. No one beats you in the kitchen Casey? Are you sure you didn’t mean the dining room?

        2-      Justin Timberlake – I’m not his biggest fan but in fairness, the whiney pop singer took his opportunity and made a killing convincing teenage girls that whitey’s could indeed dance. A feat that had previously only been achieved by famous child molester, Michael Jackson.

You’d think this would be enough for old JT. He gave our ears a raping on the radio and now he’s doing the same to our eyes. Simply put, he can’t act. If anyone disagrees with me, I dare you to try and watch all of In Time which is a million times worse than any Seagal film. It’s an hour and a half of time puns. What makes it even more demoralising is that it stars Ireland’s only cheekbone model, Cillian Murphy, whose career has been taking a turn for the worst since Tron: Legacy. 

I hope you are “in time” Justin. I hope you walk down the wrong alley Justin time (see what I did there) to meet Larry Murphy on a day he’s feeling a bit more adventurous. Now there’s a man who could do with branching out. He could be better utilised murdering and raping big ego-d fuckers like Justin.

    3-      Jared Leto – Does this really need explaining? He’s not even a good actor. He just got lucky with the roles he’s been given. I think Requiem For A Dream is one of the most overrated movies of all time but that’s only because I didn’t feel sorry for Leto when he (SPOILER ALERT) got his arm amputated. I thought to myself, good, if anyone deserves losing a limb it’s this guy.

Let the record show, I hated him before he sold out and rode the emo train to give himself enough money to buy a lifetime supply of guyliner and fingerless gloves. What a douche! The genre will go down as one of the worst trends in the history of music and Leto was a part of it. My goal in life is to become a successful director, remake Fight Club and get Ed Norton to actually beat him unconscious. “Don’t stop if goes limp!” is what I’ll shout.

How To Enjoy A Concert Without Stabbing People

Surprise, surprise! The string of knackery gigs in the Phoenix Park that replaced Oxygen this year has been awash with drugs, ridin' and knife crime. Ok,  I'll admit it, I didn't expect knife crime to be an issue but I'm not in any way surprised. If you ask me, which clearly nobody is for some odd reason, anyone who listens to Swedish House Mafia deserves to be stabbed.

I don't know what my readership is like. Some of you may consider the three activities mentioned above essential for a successful outing. However, if you're out knifing people at gigs to fill a big fun-shaped void, try this advice on for size and you might find yourself leaving the auld box cutter at home the next time you're heading off to Deadmau5 with the lads.

1) Go to a real concert - Remember when people liked bands that played instruments and wrote their own songs? Well those bands still exist and not all of them are as shit as The Killers or Coldplay. Admittedly music isn't as good as it used to be. Rap has no flow and pop has no melody (I'm talking to you Aguilera. You're offensive to all five senses). That doesn't mean you have to attend Drake concerts. I wouldn't wish that horrible fate upon anybody. Find a good band, preferably one that doesn't have a laptop player... eh I mean synth player, and attend their gigs.

2) Start a mosh pit -

If you're an aggressive individual I'd highly recommend this as an alternative to stabbin' fuckers. Do you ever notice that fans only die in pits at the wimpiest gigs? Smashing Pumpkins are a prime example of this. You'll find that for heavier bands, if you fall down in the pit someone will pick you up. Maybe starting a mosh at a Swedish House Mafia gig where half the audience are yipped off their heads isn't such a great idea but just accept it as an alternative to pulling a knife on people.

3) Heckle - If you're at a good concert heckle the roadies. This is incredibly enjoyable, especially since bands have gotten into the habit of taking longer to come out than Derek Mooney (burn!).Get chants going such as "1... 2! 1.....2!" or "Roadie! Roadie! Roadie!". The latter doesn't have quite the same effect when the vocalist for a band is called Rody as is the case for a certain awesome band.

However, if you find yourself at a concert where a shite band is playing, heckle the band itself. It is hilarious. When promoters put a band like Avenged Sevenfold on the same bill as Metallica, Alice In Chains and Mastodon, they're asking for trouble. When the singer, if you can call that hideous abomination that, calls for the crowd to shout "Hey! Hey!" a slight change made by a couple of hundred people in the front row can cause hilarity. It may be slightly homophobic but it's also quite enjoyable.

I'm also proud of getting Fox Avenue to finish their set early by getting a group of people to chant "Off!" during their set. In my defence, I interviewed the singer before the gig and he was a prick. Their music also gargles balls.

4) If all else fails, get pissed -

I'm fully aware that there was a fair bit of alcohol consumption at the recent string of gigs. I was in town at the time and I saw a young man try to start a fight with a taxi. No, not a taxi driver, an actual taxi in traffic. If you're the type of drinker who can handle themselves while shteamed and you find yourself at an atrocious gig, by all means go for it. Sure George Hook may tut tut at your antics but let's be honest here, getting hammered is as much a part of our culture as the GAA and it's more a part of our culture than the atrocity known as Gaeilge.

Move Bitch, Get Out The Way

You're in a busy city.  Let's just say it's Dublin (the rest of the Irish ones are shite, well Limerick's alright) and you're late for something. You could be late for a "Snow Blow" pick up, an appointment with an escort, a white supremacists group meeting or the Fine Gael Ard Fheis. It doesn't really matter what evil or morally wrong activity you're up to, the point is you're late and you need to get there fast. So imagine your disheartenment at the city streets being flooded with assclown pedestrians who have an utter disregard for their fellow pedestrians. These ignorant mongos can be split into four different groups which I have outlined below. So when you're out an about, avoid these slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging mouth breathers at all cost.

1) People With Buggies -If there's anything worse than talking to a new parent it's having to share a foothpath with them. A buggy is more of a battering ram than a toddler's mode of transport. Not only will parents use this hideous abomination (I mean the buggy, not the baby. Jeez!) to snap at your heels, cut you off and plough into other pedestrians, they also use them as makeshift stop signs when crossing the street. "They can't run me over. I have a baby." You can't really argue with that logic.

2) Tourists -Yes, I know it's great that they're pumping money into the economy and we overcharge them yet they naively keep coming back for more but sweet non-existent baby Jesus, they're awful pedestrians. "Let's stop here and take a picture of this Spar. Oh look! A generic looking pub" *Snap* *Snap* "Wow! A heroin addict! Get the camera out."

3) The Wanderers - You know the type, they don't know quite where they're going but in the meantime they're going to be a complete pain in your hoop. Most of them are culchies, who are only "up to the big shmoke for the day to get a few thrinkets for the family. Meccano for the kids and a fine frock for the auld lady." More importantly, they're tards about finding out where to go so they keep to a snail's pace, usually in your way.

4) Chuggers - Ok, technically they're not pedestrians but this shower of cunts deserve an honourable mention. It's not a real job. Honestly, anyone could do it. A dickless chimp could do it. I will have more respect for you if you sign on rather than be a chugger. The abuse they receive is warranted. "Sorry, I'm late for something bro... wait! Fuck off and get a real job!"

Heed my advice people. That being said, don't go out pushing over prams, fighting tourists or hurling abuse at chuggers. Unless you want to, I suppose.

The Summer Olympics: We've Made A Few ... Changes

Every four years we lose valuable column inches  and air time to the underwhelming events that comprise the summer Olympics. We're going to get an even heftier sensory raping this time around because our neighbours to the east are hosting it. Oh happy day!

If it's not obvious to you already I have a few problems with the Olympics. First of all, it receives an obscene amount of media coverage. It's not verging on the ridiculous, it is the epitome of ridiculousness. It seems like Sky Sports News have had a "Countdown to London 2012" timer since before it was even announced that they'd be hosting it. "Only 756 days left until London 2012 and there is an air of 'who gives a shit' around the city." For anyone who disagrees with me and thinks the Olympics receives an appropriate level of media coverage, Google "Fast Girls".

For the most part, the actual events are as boring as a Coldplay CD. Sure it's fun watching Usain Bolt smash the world record in the 100 metres but that race only lasts about ten seconds, max. Oddly enough, it's getting shorter every games. In the meantime we have to put up with all the dull heats and semi finals, and this is for a sport that is actually exciting.

However, there are other sports in the games. Watching such sports will leave you as bored as Fritzl's daughter. There is no need to have any coverage of events such as archery, gymnastics, fencing, sailing, equestrian, badminton, cycling and hockey. Nobody gives a flying fuck about these events unless their country has a chance of winning a medal. There is something seriously wrong with something that makes football and guns boring. Come on Olympics, that shit's easy.

It could really do with taking a leaf out of the Grand National. Imagine how much more exciting it would be if two athletes died during each event. Someone told me that this was the plot of The Hunger Games which apparently, isn't a sort of Olympics for bulimics.

Kid's nowadays have the attention span of Jedward on speed. They're chatting with they're other halves on Bebo, checking the latest  cinema listings on their teletext apps for their Gameboys and listening to the latest PJ and Duncan single on their Walkmen. They no longer find these tired old sports exciting. We need to get with the times. We have the obligation to make the Olympics more sexy and I'm not referring to the sexualisation of female athletes because if we were being totally honest here, they're sixes, at best.

I propose that we create new, exciting events to get the youth interested in the Olympics again. I've outlined some ideas below. By the way for all these events the starter pistol will be replaced with a Kalashnikov firing actual bullets, at fans. If there's one thing the Brits did right it was livening up a Gaelic Football match.

1) Mario Karting - Let's bring this video game beloved by all to life. Obviously bananas will be banned. Imagine flinging bananas out of your kart at other drivers. We wouldn't want to give the impression that it's a sport participated by a bunch of John Terrys. There will still be all the fun stuff though. You'll get to hurl turtles at your opponents, take magic mushrooms and apes, monkeys and even dragons will be allowed to participate. Now that's equality.

2) Alcoholic Boxing - You've heard of punch drunk but how about drunk punch drunk? This sport will encapsulate what us Irish are all about, drinkin' and fightin'. Even James Joyce jumped a few lads in nightclubs while he was shteamed. Who knows, we may even win a gold medal out of it. The rules are simple enough. You kneck spirits in between rounds and the alcohol percentage increases after each round. So you start off on a weak whisky and by round 5 or 6, you're on Raki or Absinthe. The beauty of this sport is you can reuse a lot of the equipment. For example the spit buckets become vomit buckets and the corner men can supply the boxers with kebabs instead of smelling salts. Scoring will be based on punches connected and dignity maintained.

3) The Charlie Sheen Obstacle Course - It's a 80 metre dash (100 metres has been done to death) with a difference. After the starter Kalashnikov kills seven people in Row D, each athlete must snort a line of coke from the cleavage of a prostitute, suck MDMA out of her navel and proceed to have coital relations with her until completion before commencing the sprint... or stagger. The athlete puts on a beer hat (the beer is replaced with Tiger blood) and runs down the track avoiding Emilio Estevez and Martin Sheen holding admittance forms for the Betty Ford Clinic. The first athlete to cross the finish line and hit a button which plays an unnecessary 'Two And A Half Men' style laugh track wins.

Wouldn't these events be a vast improvement on dressage? That question isn't rhetorical. The answer is a definite and resounding "fuckin' a".

"I Make Sandwiches For The Mentally Handicapped" - Job Interviews Are Bovine Excrement

Job interviews are dreaded by most. Not because they are particularly difficult (provided you're a norm) or that the process will make you feel inadequate. I for one couldn't give two shits if a complete stranger is impressed by my academic prowess or disheartened by my lack of experience. No, what irks most people about the modern job interview is that it is absolute codswallop.

I don't know one person who doesn't lie on their CV (unless they don't need to in which case, they're well-rounded douches). I will give you an example. On my CV it says that I organised a gig in aid of Suicide Awareness. It's 100% codswallop (I bet you didn't think I'd use that word again.) but there's no way of disproving it. Not that it's helped me acquire that ever elusive first job. Having no experience is a pain in the hoop and being a freelance rentboy for several years means that I don't even have a pimp to give me a decent reference.

Unlike the title suggests, it doesn't say on my CV that I make sandwiches for the mentally challenged. Well, I've made one for a friend or two who are borderline mongs, but I doubt that counts. The last time I donated to the Special Olympics I lost a jacket and got spear-tackled in a nightclub. So, fuck the Special Olympics! Bad karma all round.

Now to get on to the actual interview part of the application process. "So, tell me about yourself." What an absolute cunt of a question. In fact, it's not even a question, it's an order. What type of weirdo starts off  a conversation with someone they've just met with that codswallop (third times the charm)? If I answered that question truthfully, I'd probably be more likely to get an arrest warrant than a contract.

"Why do you want to work here?" is another gem."Well, if I'm being totally honest I'd prefer not to because, quite frankly, I don't see myself going into a career of asking people if they want to supersize their meal. I know I'm technically doing an Arts degree but someone has to employ the NUI Maynooth students. I wouldn't want to take their future employment. I suppose, the reason I want this job is to finance my alcoholism. Sure, I can afford my lifestyle of cans now but I don't want to be on the Blonderbrau and Tuborg for too much longer. They both give me unreal beer shits. So, where do I sign?"

"What are your weaknesses?" "Well, I am a bit of a perfectionist. Once I focus on something I see it through to the end and complete it to the best of my ability." A) what kind of arrogant bastard answers this question by saying that their lack of weaknesses is a weakness and B) does anyone answer this question truthfully? "Well, I'm useless before one o'clock. Four o'clock if I've been out drinking the night before which will probably happen a lot if you're going to be putting cash in my claw. I also make inappropriate jokes and judging by the interview so far, you are going to be an absolute prick of a boss so most of them will probably be at your expense, behind your back. So, what type of dollar are we talking about here?"

I understand that interviews are designed to make sure you're not an absolute mong and you can string a few sentences together but they'd make far more sense if they consisted of these five questions:

1) Will you come to work on time and fully clothed?
2) You're not going to do or say anything weird on the job, are you?
3) If I leave you alone with stuff will you pike it or have sex with it?
4) Are you in any way a bit of a tard?
5) Are you a prick?

In a perfect world all interviews would consist of these questions and donating to the Special Olympics wouldn't leave you jacketless and bruised.

Gael-whóres - Ag Éigniú Ár gCluas

I'm starting to feel a trend occurring with these blog posts. I can assure you though; it's not going to become a "Why 'X' Are Cunts" type of blog, although some may argue that it already has. I'll try to diversify the topics as much as I can. However, it must be said that Gaelgóirs are cunts.

Gaelgóirs are like demented children dragging around a decapitated anthrax-infected cow's head trying to make it moo. This cow's been dead for over a hundred years. It's not going to moo! And what's more, stop forcing your children to spend ten years of their lives trying to make it moo.

Of course, there's the "it's important to have a culture" brigade. To these tools I say: Mickey-Joe-Fuck-Off! The Irish language is one of the worst aspects of our culture. Even alcoholism and putting paedophiles in positions of power rank higher in my book. As far as languages go, it is horrid to listen to. If mankiness was audible it would be called Gaeilge.

There is not one dialect that is pleasing to the ears. You've got the cacophonic Munster and Connacht dialects which sound like they originated from old men hacking up phlegm. It's all "awccchhh" this and "awccchhh" that. Well suck my "awccchhh" because it sounds awful. Then there's the nauseating drone of the Ulster dialect. It must be the only sound in the world that causes motion sickness. If I had a Nordy tester for my Leaving Cert Oral Exam I'd probably have to skull some Motilium beforehand for the fear of ralphing all over the gaff. "Is myyyyyyy lum keyarr bombs." Hideous.

I suppose what I dislike most about Gaelgóirs is their sense of elitism. They think they're better than you because they're continuing an outdated practice and they'll look down upon those who weren't patriotic enough to learn the, quite frankly, terrible language. There's always a patronising tone in the voice of a Gaelgóir. Well you can fuck right off! I wipe my arse with An Triail and Peig Sayers can suck my left one.

I remind myself of the main character in the movie The Believer who was a Jewish Neo-Nazi, in that I absolutely hate Irish but I was pretty decent at it in school. I almost forgot to mention that the main character is played by Ryan Gosling so aesthetically I'm very similar to the main character (If I keep telling people that it might come true). There's nothing less satisfying than having a completely useless skill. It's on a par with juggling or knowing a lot of Dane Cook jokes (they're just awful. What an awful comedian!).

They say the greatest trick the devil played is convincing the world that he doesn't exist. Well I know that guy exists. You can see him in the eyes of every person who throws Irish phrases into normal sentences. "This is great. I'm excira agus delira." I would gladly throw a Bible at any person who does this to me. Not because of the religious symbolism but because those things are damn heavy.

Yes, I think that's a fitting end.

More Synths Than Sense - Why Hipsters Are Cunts

Let me set the record straight. I hated hipsters before it was cool.

Oh yes, the coloured jeans wearing, shindie festival attending and instagram using brigade of mongoloids have become a turd in the hamper that is my life. I use this metaphor because I feel, like the turd, hipsterism will soon be removed from society, but you get the feeling that there's a new turd on the horizon that's far more aggressively unpleasant to the senses. We thought the emo turd was odiferous.

If there was a pre-natal test for hipsterism, I'd have her on the next ferry to Britain faster than you could say "Offences Against the Person Act 1861". That is how strong my hatred is for this subculture. I'd be willing to splash the cash to abort the macchiato drinking foetus rather than use the old fashioned method of a forceful push down the stairs. What can I say? I'm a gent.

So we've already established that hipsters are diabolical cunts but why are they cunts? I've already alluded to some of the reasons but I feel it's important to go into greater detail. I've broken them down into handy categories, just because I'm sound like that.

1- Fashion - Coloured jeans, big-ass nerd glasses, plaid shirt buttoned the whole way up, unnecessary scarf: the traditional garments of the hipster. Honestly, who in their right mind thought up such a dickheadish ensemble? It is the attire equivalent of answering a phone call in the cinema. They try to rebel against the knack subculture by wearing unbranded clothing but you know that these labels are charging more for a shirt without a logo.

The hair, oh Jesus non-existent Christ, the hair! A hipster chick's hair varies but it is usually unmaintained or cut ludicrously short at angles that make it look like it was a Gehry creation. (you're on the internet you lazy bastard, Google it) The dudes on the other hand, are even worse. Again, as with the shirts, they attempt to appear as if they made no effort at all while in reality they've spent hours moulding, trimming, styling and quiffing (careful now) to make it appear as if they had spent the night in a forest being raped by a bear.

2- Music - I have had the misfortune of attending several shindie gigs in my lifetime. At one such gig the band playing had not one but two synth players and no drummer. Not even copious amounts of alcohol could dissuade me from hurling the, frankly, warranted abuse at the talentless buffoons on stage. In my defence, the singer was wearing an unnecessary scarf indoors. Something had to be said.

At the same gig, I noticed something very strange about the crowd, apart from the fact that I couldn't determine any of their sexual preferences. They all just stood there with a gormless look on their face. It was like a less Asian and less orange terracotta army packed into the venue. They were more obstacles than concert goers. Do they even enjoy seeing their bands perform live? I mean, it's understandable if they don't (two synth players, no drummer) but they must do. It must be cool to look like you're having a shit time at an event.

3- Attitude - Have you ever talked to a hipster? They're as dull as a holiday in Leitrim but their arrogance and sense of elitism is astounding. The general vibe is: if you don't find this topic interesting you clearly don't know enough about it to appreciate it. I'm sorry that I don't find you figuratively sucking the cock of this seemingly obscure band yet I know for a fact that they have 70 million hits on YouTube.

Well, that's my two cents on the matter. In summation, hipsters are cunts but there is hope for humanity. The subculture probably won't last long. After all, it is becoming cool to be a hipster and the hardcore hipsters won't like that at all. That is not to say that you, the reader can't speed up the demise of hipsterism. Act now. You can be creative about it. Burn down a Starbucks, take a piss on the floor of a second hand bookstore and if you see a Death Cab For A Cutie cd, even if it's on the shelf in HMV, smash it, just smash it right there in the store. No one needs to hear that. Do your countrymen and women a service.