More Synths Than Sense - Why Hipsters Are Cunts

Let me set the record straight. I hated hipsters before it was cool.

Oh yes, the coloured jeans wearing, shindie festival attending and instagram using brigade of mongoloids have become a turd in the hamper that is my life. I use this metaphor because I feel, like the turd, hipsterism will soon be removed from society, but you get the feeling that there's a new turd on the horizon that's far more aggressively unpleasant to the senses. We thought the emo turd was odiferous.

If there was a pre-natal test for hipsterism, I'd have her on the next ferry to Britain faster than you could say "Offences Against the Person Act 1861". That is how strong my hatred is for this subculture. I'd be willing to splash the cash to abort the macchiato drinking foetus rather than use the old fashioned method of a forceful push down the stairs. What can I say? I'm a gent.

So we've already established that hipsters are diabolical cunts but why are they cunts? I've already alluded to some of the reasons but I feel it's important to go into greater detail. I've broken them down into handy categories, just because I'm sound like that.

1- Fashion - Coloured jeans, big-ass nerd glasses, plaid shirt buttoned the whole way up, unnecessary scarf: the traditional garments of the hipster. Honestly, who in their right mind thought up such a dickheadish ensemble? It is the attire equivalent of answering a phone call in the cinema. They try to rebel against the knack subculture by wearing unbranded clothing but you know that these labels are charging more for a shirt without a logo.

The hair, oh Jesus non-existent Christ, the hair! A hipster chick's hair varies but it is usually unmaintained or cut ludicrously short at angles that make it look like it was a Gehry creation. (you're on the internet you lazy bastard, Google it) The dudes on the other hand, are even worse. Again, as with the shirts, they attempt to appear as if they made no effort at all while in reality they've spent hours moulding, trimming, styling and quiffing (careful now) to make it appear as if they had spent the night in a forest being raped by a bear.

2- Music - I have had the misfortune of attending several shindie gigs in my lifetime. At one such gig the band playing had not one but two synth players and no drummer. Not even copious amounts of alcohol could dissuade me from hurling the, frankly, warranted abuse at the talentless buffoons on stage. In my defence, the singer was wearing an unnecessary scarf indoors. Something had to be said.

At the same gig, I noticed something very strange about the crowd, apart from the fact that I couldn't determine any of their sexual preferences. They all just stood there with a gormless look on their face. It was like a less Asian and less orange terracotta army packed into the venue. They were more obstacles than concert goers. Do they even enjoy seeing their bands perform live? I mean, it's understandable if they don't (two synth players, no drummer) but they must do. It must be cool to look like you're having a shit time at an event.

3- Attitude - Have you ever talked to a hipster? They're as dull as a holiday in Leitrim but their arrogance and sense of elitism is astounding. The general vibe is: if you don't find this topic interesting you clearly don't know enough about it to appreciate it. I'm sorry that I don't find you figuratively sucking the cock of this seemingly obscure band yet I know for a fact that they have 70 million hits on YouTube.

Well, that's my two cents on the matter. In summation, hipsters are cunts but there is hope for humanity. The subculture probably won't last long. After all, it is becoming cool to be a hipster and the hardcore hipsters won't like that at all. That is not to say that you, the reader can't speed up the demise of hipsterism. Act now. You can be creative about it. Burn down a Starbucks, take a piss on the floor of a second hand bookstore and if you see a Death Cab For A Cutie cd, even if it's on the shelf in HMV, smash it, just smash it right there in the store. No one needs to hear that. Do your countrymen and women a service.