Stick To The Day Job

An increasingly popular trend among celebrities these days is having the mindset that they’re a master of all trades. I don’t know whether it’s arrogance, ignorance or greed that’s got these musicians trying their hands at acting (or vice versa) but it has to stop.

Let me put it this way, if you were having an appendectomy and the surgeon admits that his main profession is hairdressing but he’s recently branched out into the medical world, you would be royally pissed off... and probably dead. The moral of the story is Justin Timberlake’s ego can kill and I’m pretty sure it already has, and will again. This madman must be stopped!

Here’s a list of some of the worst offenders, the folk think that changing art forms is as easy as getting Nicolas Cage to be in your movie.

    1-      Steven Seagal – Here’s a lad who has his fingers in all the pies, but enough of the fat jokes. It’s a little known fact that actor, producer, reality TV star and aikido master Steven Seagal also fancies himself as a bit of a musician.

Admittedly, the prospect of hearing Mason Storm shred on guitar initially sparked my interest but the actual experience is as disappointing as one the actor’s latest straight to DVD efforts. Come on Seagal, what we really want is you to shed some pounds, go back to being Casey Ryback and release an Under Siege 3 which given the evolution of the series, will either be set on a space mission or a time machine.

Fuck it, one more fat joke. No one beats you in the kitchen Casey? Are you sure you didn’t mean the dining room?

        2-      Justin Timberlake – I’m not his biggest fan but in fairness, the whiney pop singer took his opportunity and made a killing convincing teenage girls that whitey’s could indeed dance. A feat that had previously only been achieved by famous child molester, Michael Jackson.

You’d think this would be enough for old JT. He gave our ears a raping on the radio and now he’s doing the same to our eyes. Simply put, he can’t act. If anyone disagrees with me, I dare you to try and watch all of In Time which is a million times worse than any Seagal film. It’s an hour and a half of time puns. What makes it even more demoralising is that it stars Ireland’s only cheekbone model, Cillian Murphy, whose career has been taking a turn for the worst since Tron: Legacy. 

I hope you are “in time” Justin. I hope you walk down the wrong alley Justin time (see what I did there) to meet Larry Murphy on a day he’s feeling a bit more adventurous. Now there’s a man who could do with branching out. He could be better utilised murdering and raping big ego-d fuckers like Justin.

    3-      Jared Leto – Does this really need explaining? He’s not even a good actor. He just got lucky with the roles he’s been given. I think Requiem For A Dream is one of the most overrated movies of all time but that’s only because I didn’t feel sorry for Leto when he (SPOILER ALERT) got his arm amputated. I thought to myself, good, if anyone deserves losing a limb it’s this guy.

Let the record show, I hated him before he sold out and rode the emo train to give himself enough money to buy a lifetime supply of guyliner and fingerless gloves. What a douche! The genre will go down as one of the worst trends in the history of music and Leto was a part of it. My goal in life is to become a successful director, remake Fight Club and get Ed Norton to actually beat him unconscious. “Don’t stop if goes limp!” is what I’ll shout.