Sequels That Should Be Made

Sequels, they’re rarely as good as the original and usually only serve as a tax on the mindless movie-going masses. I’m not saying that you’re all retarded, just most of you. Three Transformers movies can’t be wrong!

What if the big wig Hollywood directors decided to change things up a bit? What if instead of knocking out any old predictable cack that passes for a follow up movie they decide to make slight changes to the original film to make a second effort that’s some way decent? I honestly think that as a generation, we’re better than Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. (Spoiler Alert: at the end money sleeps)

Anyway, here’s a list of a few sequels I’d pitch to the likes of Chris Nolan and M. Night Shyama... actually no, God no! Definitely not him... eh Polanski? Whoa! Just Googled Polanski, I’d prefer not to work with him. Clint Eastwood’s good. Chris Nolan and Clint Eastwood would do. Let’s hope Eastwood survives the winter to make a couple of these bad boys.

1-  Trong: The Prequel - I’ve only got a vague idea of the plot of the original film because a) I haven’t seen it and b) I fell asleep during Tron: Legacy. Twice. It was just awful. From what I gathered from my intermittent consciousness it is set in a computer where the hero competes in a sort of neon crotch rocket race.

Well as we know, computers have vastly improved in recent years so I thought, how about we take things back to basics and write a story around the original video game, pong? It will basically be a two hour game of pong, in RealD of course. It would be way more exciting than Tron: Legacy. (Listen, they can’t all be gold. I’m just easing you in)

2-   Bourne Again Christian – The Bourne Legacy was one of the most eagerly anticipated movies of 2012  but the plot was pretty much a bog standard Bourne film plot. Guy doesn’t know what’s happening. Guy finds out some information. Guy snaps necks.

I’ve read a few of the Bourne books and although I’m basing this on absolutely nothing but I think Robert Ludlum wanted Jason Bourne (not this new joker) to trade in his Beretta for a bible and join the priesthood.

Obviously he’d still be snapping necks but I quite like the idea of Bourne using improvised weapons that were originally intended to save souls to literally send cunts to their maker. The possibilities are endless. He could drown fuckers in baptismal fonts, smother them with the altar cloth, choke them with rosary beads and bludgeon them with bibles, crucifixes and those holy water yokes that look like maces. It would get a whole new generation interested in Mass. I would certainly feel more comfortable being told how to live my life by a priest who’s killed a few guys than by a priest who... well we all know what they’ve been up to.

3-  Schindler’s List 2: He’s Checking It Twice – Again, I haven’t actually seen this film but from what I’m told it’s about Oskar Schindler who has list of Jewish people who he saves from the Nazis or something like that. Wow, I do more research when signing players on Football Manager.

Anyway, what if Oskar checks his list again, years after the war ends and realises that a few of the people he freed had screwed him over before the war began and he goes on killing spree to exact revenge on them? “Goldberg? That fucker never once sent me a happy birthday post on Facebook. Berkowitz? He drives a Prius now. Weinberg? I always thought his lawn was tacky.”

Somehow I don’t think this film will be made.

4-  My Left Nut – Many of you will have Daniel Day Lewis portray Christy Brown, the lad with cerebral palsy and a left foot that was sweeter than Robin Van Persie’s. Well, what if in modern times another genius emerges except god touched this guy in a different place? What if God touched his left testicle?

I’m not really sure what extraordinary things one could do with a bullock. Maybe he paints with it, maybe he whisks eggs with it or maybe he’s the conkers world champion. I’ll leave it up to the writers. I think what we need to lift our spirits in these times of economic turmoil is a magical scrotum on the big screen.

Alternative Oscars

It’s that time of the year again. For a brief period, new movie torrents don’t look like they were recorded with a calculator. God is getting thanked in more speeches than the Eucharistic Congress and the Super Bowl combined. And Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio are being ignored like a horse at a slaughterhouse. Yes, Hollywood has dropped its shorts and is giving itself a metaphorical rimjob in an event known as Awards Season. (Metaphorical or not, I urge you to not try this at home. I cannot be held responsible for any spinal injuries caused by attempts at self-anilingus.)

I can understand why the Academy Awards exists. Clearly Meryl Streep needs the validation and let’s face it, Billy Crystal needs the work. However, I’ve grown weary of Disney/Pixar sweeping up in the animation category for knocking out any old shite. Isn’t it enough that they rape the box office without receiving critical acclaim as well? Imagine if comic book movies were this greedy? I suppose it is nice to see large corporations exploiting first world children for a change. Also, why is it always the period dramas and the musicals that win best costume design? I was disappointed when The Wrestler didn’t get the nod. That’s not even Mickey Rourke’s real face! 

Anyway, not being content with the continual injustice of the Academy Awards. I've taken it upon my self to devise a list of suggested Oscars that I think will restore them to their former glory. To make things easier for the Academy, I've even selected the winners of these proposed awards. This will ensure that they won't make any more embarrassingly poor decisions. (*Cough* Taxi Driver *Cough* Saving Private Ryan)

Best Use of Gary Busey

Piranha 3DD

Admittedly, I haven’t actually seen this film but judging by the amount of nods. However, judging by Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s nomination for best film last year, seeing the film isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for voting for it. But just look at that title! Its main themes are aquatic violence and ta-tas. I fail to see any way in which Gary Busey wouldn’t be in his element in this movie. 

The Six Degrees Award

Kevin Bacon for having a Bacon score of 0

There are very few awards that you’ll have to pry from Kevin Bacon’s cold dead hands but this is one of them. Alas, until this cruel world has taken The Hollow Man from us, the person who has the least degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon is the man himself. This powerhouse actor has received so little recognition that I feel he is deserving of an award that no other actor could possibly win. His Picture Perfect performances send Tremors through Hollywood that leave other actors flat lining... eh, X-Men: First Class?

The “This Gives the Opposite Sex Unrealistic Expectations of Me” Award

Magic Mike

All the good work the likes of Seth Rogan. Jason Segal and Paul Dano did for the male species has been nulified because Channing Tatum decided to showcase his devastatingly good looks and chiseled abs. As if that wasn't enough, it's an entire fucking cast of Channing Tatums. I think the only just solution is to make a sequel called 'Magic Mia' and employ a cast of Scarlett Johanssons to "act" in it. Then the balance will be restored.

Clearly Not Getting Roles Because of Their Looks Award

Sarah Jessica Parker - New Year's Eve

Feel free to give out about the quality of her movies but I have the utmost respect for Sarah Jessica Parker. She's one of the few actresses who manage to continue to get work even though she's, to put it bluntly, kicked. With this trademark she's on a similar playing field with Joan Cusack and Luis Guzmán. Although, unlike Joan Cusack, she isn't famous because of her brother and unlike Luis Guzmán, she's shown no signs that she has any real talent. Not only this, she manages to take criticism in her stride, taking long gallops, jumping over fences, all the while being ridden and whipped by a little man, Matthew Broderick.

The ‘This Gargles Balls” Award

Red Lights

We may already have 'The Razzies' but what could be more humiliating than being punished for inferiority in an Awards ceremony that traditionally rewards excellence? I'll tell you what is, making a movie starring Robert DeNiro, Sigourney Weaver and Cillian Murphy that's so mind-numbingly idiotic it makes 50 Shades of Grey look like Ulysses. I am in no way spoiling the movie when I say the closing line could have been "I must go now. My planet needs me." You don't have to be a psychic to tell that I would rather take seven anal beads (dry) on a rollercoaster than have to sit through this pint of piss again.

How to Get Shteamed on €4

(I now realise that the above picture only shows €3.88)

I’ve found myself in uncharted territory recently. I’m broke. When I say broke I don’t mean I’m spending money I shouldn’t be spending, I mean I’m literally living off change, and I use the “L” word correctly in this sentence unlike most of you wrongoloids in this dying whore of a country. Also, I’m aware of the overuse of “I”s in this paragraph. Consider this piece a column and then goose-step back to your rally, you literary Nazis. Your Reich’s on its last legs and you can thank the internet for it. Megalolz.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was explaining to you fine people how to have the unenviable lifestyle of a borderline alcoholic for less than the price of a cinema ticket. Being poor shouldn’t be an obstacle to getting sauced. Just look at the homeless. Despite being almost completely useless at everything, those bastards always manage to find a way to get wankered off their tits. It’s strangely admirable. 

Let’s be honest here, people my age who are not drinking themselves to death tend to be extremely dull. We’re talking Fr Paul Stone levels of vapidity. If, like me you’re an unemployed,  grant receiving commuter who spends most of your money on public transport or you’re just tighter than a hipster’s coloured jeans (cunts) then follow these easy steps and you’ll be happier than a certain radio station after offloading a certain morning presenter to a certain lesser radio station. I can’t be much more cryptic than that, defamation be damned.

  

     1)  Be Sound:  

They say good things happen to good people. This is true. In fact, you don’t have to be a particularly good person. You can be a cold–hearted, soulless, rape joke-making bastard but as long as you put on a friendly facade people will supply you with alcohol. It’s one of the many perks of being sound. Here’s a free tip to getting more people to like you, don’t wear a scarf in doors. Although if you do this, I fear you may be too far gone already. That’s at least a stage four dickhead.

    2)  Carry A Hip Flask: 

Would you play sports without bringing a bottle of water? Would you go to a Muse concert without a bottle of bleach? You bet your sexy ass you wouldn’t. So why go to a session or even a lecture without a supply of alcohol readily available? It makes sense now, doesn’t it? The beauty is the humble hip flask works well if you follow step one. If someone offers you spirits at least you have a receptacle (Like fiddlesticks, I’m bringing that word back) so you can stall the ball, Pope John Paul and save the inebriation for later.

  

        3) Leave Your Drink Prejudices Behind:

I was once like you, a beer drinker. On a good night I was able to go through 13 bottles of Miller and if there was a playground nearby I’d go to town on it. I mean that in the swings and monkey bars way not the priests and Jimmy Savile way, you sick bastards! However, since then I went through a coeliac scare which meant that bourbon became my drink of choice and you’d be forgiven for thinking that my pockets were actually that of Ivan Yates. You must be saying to yourselves “Jesus, lay off the radio presenters” and you’re right, I am not a prophet, I’m the second coming. That being said, bourbon’s a classy drink and if you’re poor you’ve got to stop fooling yourself and go for the €1 cans of Carling. Even if it means beer shits of epic proportions the following morning.

I hope this was helpful. See y’all in rehab.

How to Intimidate Your Opponent in Tennis

Believe it or not, I was once a promising amateur tennis player but alas, I couldn’t resist the euphonic siren’s song of an alluring Aphrodite by the name of Jack Daniels. My complicated relationship with her quashed any hopes of me causing a stir at any level of tennis, despite my potential. As the old aphorism goes: “tis better to have loved and lost than to have never gotten wankered on bourbon.”

One thing I never had while I was at the top of my game was intimidation. I feel as though this really hindered my chances of reaching my full potential. I don’t want this to happen to you, reader. So I’ve devised a list of ways you could intimidate your opponent so much they’ll be shaking more than Michael J Fox trying to get stem cell research funded.

      1) Rituals – A lot of players on the ATP and that other less popular tour have rituals. Nadal has his water bottle antics, Djokovic bounces the ball before serving like a special Olympian on acid and Sharapova always looks ridiculously hot. Not sure if the last one is a ritual but it had to be said.

However, in order to gain the upper hand over your opponent you’re going to have to think bigger and more obnoxious. You’ve got to channel your inner Apollo Creed. I’m not saying hire James Brown to do your entrance them and walk out onto the court donning star spangled banner shorts and an Uncle Sam hat. Well, maybe I am.

I mean, up until Drago earned the moniker “death from above” by handing Apollo his own derriere, you couldn’t help but be impressed by Apollo’s stage show... and his ability to become a world champion boxer with a defence comparable to Rihanna's.

One thing you could take from the “Master of Disaster” is the novelty of an entrance theme. Think about it. No tennis player has one. You could be a trend setter. Pick a good one though. None of this Bon Iver shite. Pick something intimidating, aggressive, obnoxious and preferably American, I’m thinking Limp Bizkit or Kid Rock.

      2) Grunts – The infamous tennis grunt. The only louder grunts could be heard in a sacristy in the pre-Murphy report era. The grunt is a tool used by many a great to put off their opponent and gain the upper hand in a crucial match. A good grunt can be a game changer. If you ask me though, which clearly nobody is for some odd reason, the grunt could do with some updating.

The classic “ugh” “oh” and “eh” (these are hard to type phonetically) have been done to death. Speaking of death, why don’t you use the grunt to make personal threats to your opponent? Instead of  “EUGH!” try “I’M GONNA KILL YOU!” *hit* “I’M GONNA STAB YOU!” *hit* “THEN YOUR KIDS!” *miss*.
40-15

That was a messy looking paragraph. An alternative would be to pretend that you’re getting some sort of sexual thrill from playing tennis and if you think about it, you could work this into your grunt almost seamlessly. “Biiig serve” *hit* “Oh yeah!” *hit* “Harder!” *hit* HARDER!” *hits winner* “Nice ball control.”
30 all.

3) Apparel – Non-marking shoes and, depending on the club, a white shirt are the only two requirements in order to play a game of tennis. During my tenure as the David Bentley of amateur tennis I was known to wear t-shirts with a Hitler smiley face on the front and pink baseball caps while succumbing to a two sets to one loss. Some of those fights were more one-sided than Amy Winehouse versus heroin.

My only regret was not taking more advantage of the apparel rule. In general, there are no restrictions on what leg wear is permitted on the court. If I were to go back playing I’d wear pink denim shorts, no, actually pink jeggings. My calves alone would get me a couple unforced errors. I’d break my opponent’s heart before I’d break their serve. If it’s a whites only club, obviously not in the American History X sense of the word, then make sure you wear a white mankini. There’s nowhere in the rulebook that says you can’t.

So, try to heed my advice and the silverware and, let’s be honest here, restraining orders will come rolling in. If these tactics fail, you could always go more extreme and take a dump in the sand bin while maintaining an intense glare at your opponent.

Gaff Party Faux Pas

Shindigs, box socials, partays, hootenannies, whatever you want to call them, they’re one of the better and more economical methods of getting shteamed if you’re a student. However, even though the humble gaff party may seem to be an event where any sort of behaviour is acceptable in the spirit of debauchery, there is a certain set of rules which should be adhered to for your own enjoyment and that of your fellow ragers. Here’s a list of things to avoid which will ensure that your party is, to quote Nietzsche, "whopper".

   1)      Passing Out: It happens to everyone. Really? It doesn’t?  Well, it happens to me quite a bit. Luckily, because I am a dude, when I passed out at a session in my mid-teens I didn’t leave the next morning as damaged goods.  I hope.

If you don’t go to parties attended by sexual deviants and you pass out, permanent marker tattoos will be drawn, eyebrows will be shaved and ponytails will be snipped. Admittedly, it’s an enjoyable experience for the conscious folk that are involved but trust me, permanent marker penises are extremely hard to wash off parts of the body where the sun does not and should not shine. It took me a week the last time.

   2)      Cameras:  Thanks to the popularity of the Facebook page “Embarrassing Nightclub Photos” everyone seems to see gaff parties as an opportunity to take a few photos that they can later whore out for likes on their beloved social network. I personally don’t want pictures of me, to revive an archaic phrase, "skagged off my tits" plastered all over the internet. Unfortunately, there are dozens of them on spacebook, myface and twanker which have been posted against my will. This could have all been avoided if some arsehole didn’t bring a camera and start snapping like an autistic Ron Galella.

There’s no skill in it. Taking embarrassing photos at a gaff party is as easy as going on a murder spree in Norway. So why bother? Take a photo of me while I’m sauced and I can guarantee you’ll be on my enemies list for way more than 21 years.

   3)      Acoustic Guitars: I like to call a drinking session that ends up as a ballad session the "Cringe Olympics" because there’s always one assclown who wants to play while nobody else wants to listen. I suppose the main problem I have with acoustic guitars, despite the fact that they cause feline leukaemia (don’t see too many cats at an Ed Sheeran concert), is that every arsehole in the country thinks they can play it. To paraphrase the movie Role Models, there’s always one asshat with an acoustic guitar that just can’t seem to play it.

Another problem I have is that it’s the same songs that are always played. “Oh cool, you know Metallica songs? You must be a really good guitarist.” When a session ends with Sikth covers then I’ll stop complaining but for now, you’ll be knocking on heaven’s door sooner than you think if you don’t put the guit-fiddle down.

   4)      Cock Tricks: If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep your friends. Don’t make any new ones because you’re clearly hanging out with the right people. Does anyone remember the sexual deviants’ reference back in the second paragraph? That was in relation to this. For anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, cock tricks are basically the male genitalia version of origami. These are not for the faint hearted. Everyone knows the classic windmill but other notable moves include the hamburger, the wristwatch and the papal nuncio (don’t ask).

A generally rule of thumb would be not to expose yourself in any social situation, unless of course, it’s just going that way, but some people just can’t keep their talents hidden. That being said, it’s a lot more impressive than some of the stuff you’d see on Britain’s Not Talented.

Stick To The Day Job

An increasingly popular trend among celebrities these days is having the mindset that they’re a master of all trades. I don’t know whether it’s arrogance, ignorance or greed that’s got these musicians trying their hands at acting (or vice versa) but it has to stop.

Let me put it this way, if you were having an appendectomy and the surgeon admits that his main profession is hairdressing but he’s recently branched out into the medical world, you would be royally pissed off... and probably dead. The moral of the story is Justin Timberlake’s ego can kill and I’m pretty sure it already has, and will again. This madman must be stopped!

Here’s a list of some of the worst offenders, the folk think that changing art forms is as easy as getting Nicolas Cage to be in your movie.

    1-      Steven Seagal – Here’s a lad who has his fingers in all the pies, but enough of the fat jokes. It’s a little known fact that actor, producer, reality TV star and aikido master Steven Seagal also fancies himself as a bit of a musician.

Admittedly, the prospect of hearing Mason Storm shred on guitar initially sparked my interest but the actual experience is as disappointing as one the actor’s latest straight to DVD efforts. Come on Seagal, what we really want is you to shed some pounds, go back to being Casey Ryback and release an Under Siege 3 which given the evolution of the series, will either be set on a space mission or a time machine.

Fuck it, one more fat joke. No one beats you in the kitchen Casey? Are you sure you didn’t mean the dining room?

        2-      Justin Timberlake – I’m not his biggest fan but in fairness, the whiney pop singer took his opportunity and made a killing convincing teenage girls that whitey’s could indeed dance. A feat that had previously only been achieved by famous child molester, Michael Jackson.

You’d think this would be enough for old JT. He gave our ears a raping on the radio and now he’s doing the same to our eyes. Simply put, he can’t act. If anyone disagrees with me, I dare you to try and watch all of In Time which is a million times worse than any Seagal film. It’s an hour and a half of time puns. What makes it even more demoralising is that it stars Ireland’s only cheekbone model, Cillian Murphy, whose career has been taking a turn for the worst since Tron: Legacy. 

I hope you are “in time” Justin. I hope you walk down the wrong alley Justin time (see what I did there) to meet Larry Murphy on a day he’s feeling a bit more adventurous. Now there’s a man who could do with branching out. He could be better utilised murdering and raping big ego-d fuckers like Justin.

    3-      Jared Leto – Does this really need explaining? He’s not even a good actor. He just got lucky with the roles he’s been given. I think Requiem For A Dream is one of the most overrated movies of all time but that’s only because I didn’t feel sorry for Leto when he (SPOILER ALERT) got his arm amputated. I thought to myself, good, if anyone deserves losing a limb it’s this guy.

Let the record show, I hated him before he sold out and rode the emo train to give himself enough money to buy a lifetime supply of guyliner and fingerless gloves. What a douche! The genre will go down as one of the worst trends in the history of music and Leto was a part of it. My goal in life is to become a successful director, remake Fight Club and get Ed Norton to actually beat him unconscious. “Don’t stop if goes limp!” is what I’ll shout.