How To Enjoy A Concert Without Stabbing People

Surprise, surprise! The string of knackery gigs in the Phoenix Park that replaced Oxygen this year has been awash with drugs, ridin' and knife crime. Ok,  I'll admit it, I didn't expect knife crime to be an issue but I'm not in any way surprised. If you ask me, which clearly nobody is for some odd reason, anyone who listens to Swedish House Mafia deserves to be stabbed.

I don't know what my readership is like. Some of you may consider the three activities mentioned above essential for a successful outing. However, if you're out knifing people at gigs to fill a big fun-shaped void, try this advice on for size and you might find yourself leaving the auld box cutter at home the next time you're heading off to Deadmau5 with the lads.

1) Go to a real concert - Remember when people liked bands that played instruments and wrote their own songs? Well those bands still exist and not all of them are as shit as The Killers or Coldplay. Admittedly music isn't as good as it used to be. Rap has no flow and pop has no melody (I'm talking to you Aguilera. You're offensive to all five senses). That doesn't mean you have to attend Drake concerts. I wouldn't wish that horrible fate upon anybody. Find a good band, preferably one that doesn't have a laptop player... eh I mean synth player, and attend their gigs.

2) Start a mosh pit -

If you're an aggressive individual I'd highly recommend this as an alternative to stabbin' fuckers. Do you ever notice that fans only die in pits at the wimpiest gigs? Smashing Pumpkins are a prime example of this. You'll find that for heavier bands, if you fall down in the pit someone will pick you up. Maybe starting a mosh at a Swedish House Mafia gig where half the audience are yipped off their heads isn't such a great idea but just accept it as an alternative to pulling a knife on people.

3) Heckle - If you're at a good concert heckle the roadies. This is incredibly enjoyable, especially since bands have gotten into the habit of taking longer to come out than Derek Mooney (burn!).Get chants going such as "1... 2! 1.....2!" or "Roadie! Roadie! Roadie!". The latter doesn't have quite the same effect when the vocalist for a band is called Rody as is the case for a certain awesome band.

However, if you find yourself at a concert where a shite band is playing, heckle the band itself. It is hilarious. When promoters put a band like Avenged Sevenfold on the same bill as Metallica, Alice In Chains and Mastodon, they're asking for trouble. When the singer, if you can call that hideous abomination that, calls for the crowd to shout "Hey! Hey!" a slight change made by a couple of hundred people in the front row can cause hilarity. It may be slightly homophobic but it's also quite enjoyable.

I'm also proud of getting Fox Avenue to finish their set early by getting a group of people to chant "Off!" during their set. In my defence, I interviewed the singer before the gig and he was a prick. Their music also gargles balls.

4) If all else fails, get pissed -

I'm fully aware that there was a fair bit of alcohol consumption at the recent string of gigs. I was in town at the time and I saw a young man try to start a fight with a taxi. No, not a taxi driver, an actual taxi in traffic. If you're the type of drinker who can handle themselves while shteamed and you find yourself at an atrocious gig, by all means go for it. Sure George Hook may tut tut at your antics but let's be honest here, getting hammered is as much a part of our culture as the GAA and it's more a part of our culture than the atrocity known as Gaeilge.