How to Get Shteamed on €4

(I now realise that the above picture only shows €3.88)

I’ve found myself in uncharted territory recently. I’m broke. When I say broke I don’t mean I’m spending money I shouldn’t be spending, I mean I’m literally living off change, and I use the “L” word correctly in this sentence unlike most of you wrongoloids in this dying whore of a country. Also, I’m aware of the overuse of “I”s in this paragraph. Consider this piece a column and then goose-step back to your rally, you literary Nazis. Your Reich’s on its last legs and you can thank the internet for it. Megalolz.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was explaining to you fine people how to have the unenviable lifestyle of a borderline alcoholic for less than the price of a cinema ticket. Being poor shouldn’t be an obstacle to getting sauced. Just look at the homeless. Despite being almost completely useless at everything, those bastards always manage to find a way to get wankered off their tits. It’s strangely admirable. 

Let’s be honest here, people my age who are not drinking themselves to death tend to be extremely dull. We’re talking Fr Paul Stone levels of vapidity. If, like me you’re an unemployed,  grant receiving commuter who spends most of your money on public transport or you’re just tighter than a hipster’s coloured jeans (cunts) then follow these easy steps and you’ll be happier than a certain radio station after offloading a certain morning presenter to a certain lesser radio station. I can’t be much more cryptic than that, defamation be damned.

  

     1)  Be Sound:  

They say good things happen to good people. This is true. In fact, you don’t have to be a particularly good person. You can be a cold–hearted, soulless, rape joke-making bastard but as long as you put on a friendly facade people will supply you with alcohol. It’s one of the many perks of being sound. Here’s a free tip to getting more people to like you, don’t wear a scarf in doors. Although if you do this, I fear you may be too far gone already. That’s at least a stage four dickhead.

    2)  Carry A Hip Flask: 

Would you play sports without bringing a bottle of water? Would you go to a Muse concert without a bottle of bleach? You bet your sexy ass you wouldn’t. So why go to a session or even a lecture without a supply of alcohol readily available? It makes sense now, doesn’t it? The beauty is the humble hip flask works well if you follow step one. If someone offers you spirits at least you have a receptacle (Like fiddlesticks, I’m bringing that word back) so you can stall the ball, Pope John Paul and save the inebriation for later.

  

        3) Leave Your Drink Prejudices Behind:

I was once like you, a beer drinker. On a good night I was able to go through 13 bottles of Miller and if there was a playground nearby I’d go to town on it. I mean that in the swings and monkey bars way not the priests and Jimmy Savile way, you sick bastards! However, since then I went through a coeliac scare which meant that bourbon became my drink of choice and you’d be forgiven for thinking that my pockets were actually that of Ivan Yates. You must be saying to yourselves “Jesus, lay off the radio presenters” and you’re right, I am not a prophet, I’m the second coming. That being said, bourbon’s a classy drink and if you’re poor you’ve got to stop fooling yourself and go for the €1 cans of Carling. Even if it means beer shits of epic proportions the following morning.

I hope this was helpful. See y’all in rehab.