"I Make Sandwiches For The Mentally Handicapped" - Job Interviews Are Bovine Excrement

Job interviews are dreaded by most. Not because they are particularly difficult (provided you're a norm) or that the process will make you feel inadequate. I for one couldn't give two shits if a complete stranger is impressed by my academic prowess or disheartened by my lack of experience. No, what irks most people about the modern job interview is that it is absolute codswallop.

I don't know one person who doesn't lie on their CV (unless they don't need to in which case, they're well-rounded douches). I will give you an example. On my CV it says that I organised a gig in aid of Suicide Awareness. It's 100% codswallop (I bet you didn't think I'd use that word again.) but there's no way of disproving it. Not that it's helped me acquire that ever elusive first job. Having no experience is a pain in the hoop and being a freelance rentboy for several years means that I don't even have a pimp to give me a decent reference.

Unlike the title suggests, it doesn't say on my CV that I make sandwiches for the mentally challenged. Well, I've made one for a friend or two who are borderline mongs, but I doubt that counts. The last time I donated to the Special Olympics I lost a jacket and got spear-tackled in a nightclub. So, fuck the Special Olympics! Bad karma all round.

Now to get on to the actual interview part of the application process. "So, tell me about yourself." What an absolute cunt of a question. In fact, it's not even a question, it's an order. What type of weirdo starts off  a conversation with someone they've just met with that codswallop (third times the charm)? If I answered that question truthfully, I'd probably be more likely to get an arrest warrant than a contract.

"Why do you want to work here?" is another gem."Well, if I'm being totally honest I'd prefer not to because, quite frankly, I don't see myself going into a career of asking people if they want to supersize their meal. I know I'm technically doing an Arts degree but someone has to employ the NUI Maynooth students. I wouldn't want to take their future employment. I suppose, the reason I want this job is to finance my alcoholism. Sure, I can afford my lifestyle of cans now but I don't want to be on the Blonderbrau and Tuborg for too much longer. They both give me unreal beer shits. So, where do I sign?"

"What are your weaknesses?" "Well, I am a bit of a perfectionist. Once I focus on something I see it through to the end and complete it to the best of my ability." A) what kind of arrogant bastard answers this question by saying that their lack of weaknesses is a weakness and B) does anyone answer this question truthfully? "Well, I'm useless before one o'clock. Four o'clock if I've been out drinking the night before which will probably happen a lot if you're going to be putting cash in my claw. I also make inappropriate jokes and judging by the interview so far, you are going to be an absolute prick of a boss so most of them will probably be at your expense, behind your back. So, what type of dollar are we talking about here?"

I understand that interviews are designed to make sure you're not an absolute mong and you can string a few sentences together but they'd make far more sense if they consisted of these five questions:

1) Will you come to work on time and fully clothed?
2) You're not going to do or say anything weird on the job, are you?
3) If I leave you alone with stuff will you pike it or have sex with it?
4) Are you in any way a bit of a tard?
5) Are you a prick?

In a perfect world all interviews would consist of these questions and donating to the Special Olympics wouldn't leave you jacketless and bruised.

Gael-whóres - Ag Éigniú Ár gCluas

I'm starting to feel a trend occurring with these blog posts. I can assure you though; it's not going to become a "Why 'X' Are Cunts" type of blog, although some may argue that it already has. I'll try to diversify the topics as much as I can. However, it must be said that Gaelgóirs are cunts.

Gaelgóirs are like demented children dragging around a decapitated anthrax-infected cow's head trying to make it moo. This cow's been dead for over a hundred years. It's not going to moo! And what's more, stop forcing your children to spend ten years of their lives trying to make it moo.

Of course, there's the "it's important to have a culture" brigade. To these tools I say: Mickey-Joe-Fuck-Off! The Irish language is one of the worst aspects of our culture. Even alcoholism and putting paedophiles in positions of power rank higher in my book. As far as languages go, it is horrid to listen to. If mankiness was audible it would be called Gaeilge.

There is not one dialect that is pleasing to the ears. You've got the cacophonic Munster and Connacht dialects which sound like they originated from old men hacking up phlegm. It's all "awccchhh" this and "awccchhh" that. Well suck my "awccchhh" because it sounds awful. Then there's the nauseating drone of the Ulster dialect. It must be the only sound in the world that causes motion sickness. If I had a Nordy tester for my Leaving Cert Oral Exam I'd probably have to skull some Motilium beforehand for the fear of ralphing all over the gaff. "Is myyyyyyy lum keyarr bombs." Hideous.

I suppose what I dislike most about Gaelgóirs is their sense of elitism. They think they're better than you because they're continuing an outdated practice and they'll look down upon those who weren't patriotic enough to learn the, quite frankly, terrible language. There's always a patronising tone in the voice of a Gaelgóir. Well you can fuck right off! I wipe my arse with An Triail and Peig Sayers can suck my left one.

I remind myself of the main character in the movie The Believer who was a Jewish Neo-Nazi, in that I absolutely hate Irish but I was pretty decent at it in school. I almost forgot to mention that the main character is played by Ryan Gosling so aesthetically I'm very similar to the main character (If I keep telling people that it might come true). There's nothing less satisfying than having a completely useless skill. It's on a par with juggling or knowing a lot of Dane Cook jokes (they're just awful. What an awful comedian!).

They say the greatest trick the devil played is convincing the world that he doesn't exist. Well I know that guy exists. You can see him in the eyes of every person who throws Irish phrases into normal sentences. "This is great. I'm excira agus delira." I would gladly throw a Bible at any person who does this to me. Not because of the religious symbolism but because those things are damn heavy.

Yes, I think that's a fitting end.