It’s that time of the year again. For a brief period, new movie torrents don’t look like they were recorded with a calculator. God is getting thanked in more speeches than the Eucharistic Congress and the Super Bowl combined. And Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio are being ignored like a horse at a slaughterhouse. Yes, Hollywood has dropped its shorts and is giving itself a metaphorical rimjob in an event known as Awards Season. (Metaphorical or not, I urge you to not try this at home. I cannot be held responsible for any spinal injuries caused by attempts at self-anilingus.)
I can understand why the Academy Awards exists. Clearly Meryl Streep needs the validation and let’s face it, Billy Crystal needs the work. However, I’ve grown weary of Disney/Pixar sweeping up in the animation category for knocking out any old shite. Isn’t it enough that they rape the box office without receiving critical acclaim as well? Imagine if comic book movies were this greedy? I suppose it is nice to see large corporations exploiting first world children for a change. Also, why is it always the period dramas and the musicals that win best costume design? I was disappointed when The Wrestler didn’t get the nod. That’s not even Mickey Rourke’s real face!
Anyway, not being content with the continual injustice of the Academy Awards. I've taken it upon my self to devise a list of suggested Oscars that I think will restore them to their former glory. To make things easier for the Academy, I've even selected the winners of these proposed awards. This will ensure that they won't make any more embarrassingly poor decisions. (*Cough* Taxi Driver *Cough* Saving Private Ryan)
Best Use of Gary Busey
Piranha
3DD
Admittedly, I haven’t actually seen this film but
judging by the amount of nods. However, judging by Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’s
nomination for best film last year, seeing the film isn’t necessarily a
prerequisite for voting for it. But just look at that title! Its main themes
are aquatic violence and ta-tas. I fail to see any way in which Gary Busey
wouldn’t be in his element in this movie.
The Six Degrees Award
Kevin
Bacon for having a Bacon score of 0
There are very few awards that you’ll have to pry
from Kevin Bacon’s cold dead hands but this is one of them. Alas, until this
cruel world has taken The Hollow Man from us, the person who has the least
degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon is the man himself. This powerhouse
actor has received so little recognition that I feel he is deserving of an
award that no other actor could possibly win. His Picture Perfect performances send Tremors through Hollywood that leave other actors flat lining...
eh, X-Men: First Class?
The “This Gives the Opposite Sex Unrealistic Expectations of Me” Award
Magic Mike
All the good work the likes of Seth Rogan. Jason Segal and Paul Dano did for the male species has been nulified because Channing Tatum decided to showcase his devastatingly good looks and chiseled abs. As if that wasn't enough, it's an entire fucking cast of Channing Tatums. I think the only just solution is to make a sequel called 'Magic Mia' and employ a cast of Scarlett Johanssons to "act" in it. Then the balance will be restored.
Clearly Not Getting Roles Because of Their Looks Award
Sarah Jessica Parker - New Year's Eve
Feel free to give out about the quality of her movies but I have the utmost respect for Sarah Jessica Parker. She's one of the few actresses who manage to continue to get work even though she's, to put it bluntly, kicked. With this trademark she's on a similar playing field with Joan Cusack and Luis Guzmán. Although, unlike Joan Cusack, she isn't famous because of her brother and unlike Luis Guzmán, she's shown no signs that she has any real talent. Not only this, she manages to take criticism in her stride, taking long gallops, jumping over fences, all the while being ridden and whipped by a little man, Matthew Broderick.
The ‘This Gargles Balls” Award
Red Lights
We may already have 'The Razzies' but what could be more humiliating than being punished for inferiority in an Awards ceremony that traditionally rewards excellence? I'll tell you what is, making a movie starring Robert DeNiro, Sigourney Weaver and Cillian Murphy that's so mind-numbingly idiotic it makes 50 Shades of Grey look like Ulysses. I am in no way spoiling the movie when I say the closing line could have been "I must go now. My planet needs me." You don't have to be a psychic to tell that I would rather take seven anal beads (dry) on a rollercoaster than have to sit through this pint of piss again.
