Believe it or not, I was once a promising amateur tennis player but alas, I couldn’t resist the euphonic siren’s song of an alluring Aphrodite by the name of Jack Daniels. My complicated relationship with her quashed any hopes of me causing a stir at any level of tennis, despite my potential. As the old aphorism goes: “tis better to have loved and lost than to have never gotten wankered on bourbon.”
One thing I never had while I was at the top of my
game was intimidation. I feel as though this really hindered my chances of
reaching my full potential. I don’t want this to happen to you, reader. So I’ve
devised a list of ways you could intimidate your opponent so much they’ll be
shaking more than Michael J Fox trying to get stem cell research funded.
1) Rituals
– A lot of players on the ATP and that other less popular tour have rituals.
Nadal has his water bottle antics, Djokovic bounces the ball before serving
like a special Olympian on acid and Sharapova always looks ridiculously hot.
Not sure if the last one is a ritual but it had to be said.
However, in order to gain the upper
hand over your opponent you’re going to have to think bigger and more
obnoxious. You’ve got to channel your inner Apollo Creed. I’m not saying hire
James Brown to do your entrance them and walk out onto the court donning star
spangled banner shorts and an Uncle Sam hat. Well, maybe I am.
I mean, up until Drago earned the
moniker “death from above” by handing Apollo his own derriere, you couldn’t
help but be impressed by Apollo’s stage show... and his ability to become a world champion boxer with a defence comparable to Rihanna's.
One thing you could take from the
“Master of Disaster” is the novelty of an entrance theme. Think about it. No
tennis player has one. You could be a trend setter. Pick a good one though.
None of this Bon Iver shite. Pick something intimidating, aggressive, obnoxious
and preferably American, I’m thinking Limp Bizkit or Kid Rock.
2) Grunts
– The infamous tennis grunt. The only louder grunts could be heard in a
sacristy in the pre-Murphy report era. The grunt is a tool used by many a great
to put off their opponent and gain the upper hand in a crucial match. A good
grunt can be a game changer. If you ask me though, which clearly nobody is for
some odd reason, the grunt could do with some updating.
The classic “ugh” “oh” and “eh”
(these are hard to type phonetically) have been done to death. Speaking of
death, why don’t you use the grunt to make personal threats to your opponent?
Instead of “EUGH!” try “I’M GONNA KILL
YOU!” *hit* “I’M GONNA STAB YOU!” *hit* “THEN YOUR KIDS!” *miss*.
40-15
40-15
That was a messy looking paragraph.
An alternative would be to pretend that you’re getting some sort of sexual
thrill from playing tennis and if you think about it, you could work this into
your grunt almost seamlessly. “Biiig serve” *hit* “Oh yeah!” *hit* “Harder!”
*hit* HARDER!” *hits winner* “Nice ball control.”
30 all.
30 all.
My only regret was not taking more
advantage of the apparel rule. In general, there are no restrictions on what
leg wear is permitted on the court. If I were to go back playing I’d wear pink
denim shorts, no, actually pink jeggings. My calves alone would get me a couple
unforced errors. I’d break my opponent’s heart before I’d break their serve. If
it’s a whites only club, obviously not in the American History X sense of the
word, then make sure you wear a white mankini. There’s nowhere in the rulebook
that says you can’t.
So, try to heed my advice and the
silverware and, let’s be honest here, restraining orders will come rolling in.
If these tactics fail, you could always go more extreme and take a dump in the
sand bin while maintaining an intense glare at your opponent.
